You Always Have a Choice

Doris Walsh joins Richard Lowe (The Writing King) on Leaders and Their Stories for a warm, honest conversation about success, fulfillment, and self-awareness.

A life and leadership coach based in Ireland, Doris works with high achievers who feel torn between doing well and feeling well. She makes the case that change starts with awareness and that you always have a choice.

Doris Walsh is a life and leadership coach based in Ireland who helps high-achieving professionals bridge the gap between outward success and genuine fulfillment through awareness and honest self-reflection.

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Full transcript of the interview follows.

Richard: Hello. This is Richard Lowe, and welcome to the leaders in their stories. Podcast I’m here with Doris, Walsh. who’s from the Uk, and we’re going to talk about interesting things, Doris, can you introduce yourself.

Meet Doris Walsh

Doris Walsh: Hey, Richard, thank you so much for having me. Yes, I’m Doris Walsh. I’m a life and leadership coach currently based out in Uk. But, you know, has a interesting background, and and corporate history, so pleased to be here.

Torn Between Success and Fulfillment

Doris: Okay. So I help high achieving professionals who feel kind of constantly kind of torn between, you know, continuing and and being awesome at their career, and then having that kind of internal kind of trade off with family. you know, feeling as if they’ve got to sacrifice their family to continue the career, or feeling that they’ve got to sacrifice their career to be there for their family.

So that’s kind of what I help. People kind of kind of kind of delve into to see what truly matters to them right and help them redefine what’s true? Success looks like for them during their current life. Current position in life where they are in terms of career and their families versus what? Maybe you know all the baggage that they’ve carried up until that point when they come and see me.

Starting the Journey Inward

Doris: Okay. So I tend to work with people who’ve kind of started that kind of journey right? They’re in that position where, in a space where God, you know, I think I’m feeling I’m doing all right. But you know life feels a bit hard, right? I can’t seem to do everything that I want to do.

And you know, I’ve you know I think I need to be a bit more productive, a bit more efficient. So you know, I’ve downloaded the app, I’ve read the books. Why am I still not there yet? Right? So they’ve started looking inside and say, Hey, you know, is this really what life is all about?

And I take them in, and I can help them, you know, kind of give them that space. What I typically find is that People haven’t taken a time out to really go inside themselves and truly figure out what it is that they truly want. Not what their boss says they want, not what their wife or husband says they want., or mother or father said that they should have, or whatever else.

Right? It’s just creating a space to kind of, you know. How do you want your ideal life to look like? So I then help them unpack about. You know what that would look like, and and and we I take them through kind of a process to kind of work out what that is.

Richard: Interesting. Interesting. So, yeah, I’ve actually gone through a lot of that through my life. Various therapists. That therapy is wonderful thing. If you find the right therapy. If you find the wrong therapy can be the worst thing of ever. If it’s wrong and you just it’s just hit or miss coaching is a whole different thing.

Coaches have a different purpose, and you’re you’re obviously on more of the coaching side. Never really had a mentor in my life my entire life, which is interesting. I’ve had bosses, of course, but mentors no, and that that is something that I miss having. I think that would have helped a lot like in work.

I think the big mistake people make is they focus on one area of their life. They might focus on work. A lot of people do. I did that work is all that’s important. I did that because the home life was was horrible. So I focused on work and to the detriment of everything else.

Some people focus on on their home life to the detriment of work. Some people have no focus. and they don’t. They don’t.

Richard: And I think that’s true of a lot of the people in the younger people these days is they come out kind of lost because they don’t have a focus. I didn’t have a focus when I was young, either. I mean, that’s actually not new. When I when I met, when I grew up when I got moved out.

I didn’t know what I was going to do. I mean, it was a geology major. I didn’t know what I was going to do with that I would just pick something that I liked. and then I switched over to computers, and then I became a Vp of a company.

And then I started to have a focus. And my focus was work. That’s actually what kind of undermine my parents a bit was. They were very family oriented, and then they started self. They started their own business. and the family just dropped away there. So while and my my sister and I, when when our teens, which is a bad time for family to drop away.

Doris: And my parents were focused entirely on work and.

Doris: I know what you mean. Kind of emotionally. You lost them.

Richard: Emotionally so coaching like yours can help. I think somebody untangle those kind of issues.

Why She Coaches This Group

Doris: Yeah. So you know. So so if I kinda you know why, I felt kind of pulled to kind of coach this group of people was. Kinda I went through the same thing myself. I come, you know, Chinese, right? So you know anything. All the stereotypes that you have about.

You know Chinese families. It’s all true. but I was kind of taught to excel right? And 100 right? That that’s what’s important, right? And you have to work, and, like you, my parents have always had their own most of the time have had their own business, but it’s a Chinese restaurant.

So the family all came in right, so we were never without the family. but we were there, working side by side, right? And that causes tension in itself right, you know, being there literally 24, 7 with your mom and dad, but it also kind of bonded. So we didn’t have Mom and Dad, who were separate from us right.

We were there with them the entire time. Right? And you know for me it was a whole. I didn’t know like you. How does some 18 year old or 21 year old, and I know some people who are very driven. I was the same like you. I had no idea what it was that I wanted to be.

When I grew up, even 3 years ago I didn’t know. I always said, I’ll do this. I have no idea what it is, but as long as I’m going to have fun doing it, I’ll do it right. And only now I’ve just turned 50. Do I know what it is that I want to be when I grow up right?

And this is who I want to be. When I’m growing up. I’m doing what it is that I’m meant to be doing, but it’s been. It’s come through that so. But all the way through it, you know, you kind of like, yeah, you know. And that comes to kind of success.

Right? What does success mean to you as a 21 year old, or you know, straight out of college you go into the corporate space, or whatever most typically oh, the big, fat paycheck! Right? Let me get that paycheck. Let me buy my foot, you know. Buy my 1st apartment, or whatever else right I want to travel the world.

It’s all got to do with external right. It’s the money right? I want to do this. I want to get that promotion. I want to have that medal, or whatever else. And that’s great right. You have the motivation, and you go. and then you know natural progression of life.

You might meet, you know the love of your life, or whatever else right. And you are 2 single people. Dual income life is awesome. Right? I had that right, I said, oh, Paris, this weekend, honey, new York, next month. Shall we do that right? And you had the whole.

You know that that freedom financially and whatever else right? No real, you know. Responsibilities right, you know. And before you know it, you know you’re married, and you’ve got 2 kids, and you’re like Whoa! What the hell! Right? I think I kind of signed up for it. but not really right, and especially if you’ve had a career right for a long period of time, where you felt so in control of what it is that you’re doing right, because my life I could fit in a spreadsheet.

I was also a spreadsheet. I could know I could know I could make it, whichever way I wanted it to be right. You know just better the numbers that I wanted right? And it was okay. Life was easy throwing numbers, screaming, child! Right? Who can’t be fit in a freaking spreadsheet you’re sitting there like.

And then, you know, obviously, the hormones, or whatever else right? And but for me, you know, I was like, I still want this career right? I’ve worked so darn hard at it, and I really quite enjoy it right, because I like the people talking to different people. Talking to a baby was for me personally, was kind of boring, which, you know, when I had kids back then that was like, My God, you it was never said.

But you’re a bad parent, right? Because you don’t want to spend your whole entire day for the rest of your life. Now, just with this baby, I’m like, Yeah, Whoa, dude. This baby can’t talk. It’s not giving me any mental stimulation apart from mind. Fog right? I haven’t slept for the last 4 days, right?

Because this freaking child won’t shut up right. But I need some external simulation with adults right to get my brain cells running. So I chose to go back to full time work right? I know a lot of people in my When I had my kids they went part part time, whatever works for you, right?

But what I didn’t do was, what does my life look like that with a child, I just thought, okay, Doris is on this career directory. There is just another to do thing which is called a baby right? I still want to be on this career Directory right? Whatever that profile looked like for me, and I never reassessed it.

But what I didn’t realize was, I’ve got a full time job, you know. I’m doing the 60 70 HA week, depending what it was. And I’ve got a baby. I’ve got a child. I just thought I just had to do all right, because no one ever told me that you you can’t not do all if you know what I mean.

But it’s all these expectations. So I did. And then second baby comes along, and you know, and at some point you kind of like. wow! You know I’m still having fun, but probably not as much fun as I thought I was gonna have. So what is missing? And there was this consistent thing that came up like there’s something missing.

I didn’t know what it was. And and that wasn’t until you know circumstances, environments. And you know, whatever change happens, looks like for you that I just took some time out and said. like, what’s going on here now? I I want to do something. I want to do something different now.

I I this doesn’t look good for me. and this is where I took some time out and say, Hey. what is it that I truly want right, because I never reassess that. And I’ve actually never asked myself that until about 3 years ago, when I took that time out.

Doris: But in hindsight. Yes,

Doris: In book form, so that they can communicate their message to people in their audience.

Richard: A new, different purpose than I ever had in my life, and I really liked it. I enjoy it being a ghostwriter, and I went through a couple of coaches doing that to come to that conclusion. And I’m actually got a coaching session coming up. It’s a very intense one.

put on called the Genius Room next week that I’m looking for. I have to invite people to it. I keep forgetting I have to get people there. But there’s gonna be some people there, and the the objective is to tear me apart and rebuild me. I don’t know really what to expect.

Be Open to the Experience

Doris: Well, it sounds as if it’s an experience, right, you know. Just be open to that kind of experience, and you know, see what comes out of it. I mean, it sounds as if you know, with your background and what you’ve gone through, and the amazing people that you’ve met through your life right? I mean, you know, from what you’re hearing, you’re a totally different person then. you know, from that shy.

Doris: Right? Oh, yeah. And you’ve got this huge, you know, journey right? And experiences right? So you know, to me, you know, having fallen, sat on practices, you know, been in wildfires, survived hurricanes and tornazos. This whole breaking you apart and putting you back together sounds like a piece of cake, for you really.

What Changes Your Viewpoint

Doris: But do you think, Richard, right, that your viewpoint? What changed for you to to have that feeling? Okay, you know, aside from the financial and and the comfortableness you know that you have. But what’s really changed your thinking about it? Why did you not think like that, you know, 20 years ago, or 30 years ago.

The Life Skills Nobody Taught

Richard: Nobody taught me that. And then about relationships. Parents didn’t pull me in on that. Nor did school, for Bowden can’t talk about that kind of stuff. you know, but that’s kind of essential for life to know that stuff like. hey? If you don’t take the appropriate precautions, you can have babies. I didn’t know that.

Doris: Yeah, yeah. So they do have sex. Ed, now at school. But the thing that the life skills, even though you know my kids are 12 and 10 and a half right. They don’t teach them really the life skills. The thing about, you know, compounding interest on paying bills.

Richard: Right right? Investing. Never learned that until now, you know. No clue didn’t even know that it wasn’t that. It was an issue until you a few years ago. Oh, wait! What’s this investment thing? Because I was too focused on my own life and my own.

Why People Stay in Bad Relationships

Doris: I agree. But you know. And and why do you think people stick with those people, though? Well, you’re taught? You know you family is the most important thing. Well, there’s they’re harming you.

Richard: You’re taught you know. Keep. Keep. You keep trying. You keep trying to make the relationship better. There’s a point at which, after a couple of tries that you just go. No, it’s not going to get better. Yeah. Sure, you might give it a try or 2. You might talk to them, because it might be just a misunderstanding.

You might be the one who’s the jerk. you know. Yeah, that’s but I was ever a jerk in my entire life.

Doris: Of course. No, you’re an angel. Yes.

Doris: Yeah. But you know. And this, this is interesting, right where people you know and like, you say, you know, it’s that kind of mindset. Right? You know we’re talking about. You know, this is family is the most important thing you know. Blood is thicker than water. Blah, blah, and all this kind of stuff right?

Or you’ve only got one, mother. You’ve only got one brother, sister, or whatever else right? But but you’re right right. It’s kind of like, you know. And it’s okay to let go right? It is okay. If those, you know. Because I grew up, I’m not the same person as I was, you know, a year ago or 5 years ago, whatever right?

And people move along. And it’s and as long as I am okay, letting go right, and I feel better for it. Then why does it matter what everyone else says? Right? Because they’re not in my shoes? How do they know? No one really knows they can empathize. But they’re not right in my shoes, because they’re not hearing my thoughts right.

And and all these, you know, negative feelings that this person in your life might be, you know, impacting you because they don’t see it that way, or they don’t feel it like that, or whatever else. Right? It’s like, it is okay to let go right? It is okay to not have people who’ve been with you for the last 2030, 40 years with you and let go if they’re not serving you right, or you know maybe not, you know, and depending on who you are.

What is that you want to maybe not cut them off totally. But say, look. I’m gonna limit to once a year or just phone calls. I’m not gonna be in a, you know, in in a physical setting with them, or whatever else right? Change it. Cause that’s all we’re in control of.

Right? We’re. I’m in control of me. I’m not in control of you. Right? That’s kind of I can change me. I can change, not picking up that call whenever they call. I can say no, thank you very much.

Richard: If you if you fix that, you fix a lot.

It Starts With Awareness

Doris: Yes, yes, but but that all comes starts with the whole awareness, right? You being open to kind of look. What’s really going on here is this is this something that I’m doing? Or is it the environment and the people that I’m socializing with, or whatever? And to kind of being able to pick.

It’s kind of like the puzzle, right? You know, and like you say, you know, one advice you give is. and there’s someone who’s toxic in your life is really not adding value to you. Say right, say bye, bye to them, right, you know, and or limit your exposure to them, or whatever else, right, and for you for similar, you know, one advice is kind of like. be truthful with yourself.

Doris: Thanks! Oh, cool! Go on!

Doris: Don’t make excuses.

Look at Yourself First

Richard: So the process has to start with. What are you doing? Are you pushing their buttons first? st If you’re pushing their buttons, then you’re the problem. Yeah. And by button, I mean emotional button. You know.

Doris: Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah.

Richard: If then, after that, that’s when you start looking at cutting them off, you have to look at yourself first, st because you could be the problem. And and I know it’s hard to believe. But there have been several times when I’ve discovered I’m the problem. Really. I know it’s amazing, isn’t it?

It’s like, Oh, yeah, I caused that argument because I pushed a little too hard, or I did that. And you the best way to do that is to listen to the conversation. Later I go. Oh, yeah.

Doris: Yeah. And like, you know, and that would be a, you know, great kind of kind of reflection, right? Especially if you have that conversation again. Right, you know, to listen back to it, you know. And you know, if if you are able to do it because you you’re noticing, it’s always with that person on that conversation, or something like that, you know.

Yes, absolutely. The you know, the one I like to use is just kinda take some time out, you know. Time out right. No mobile phones, no whatever. No children, no husband just by yourself. Go for a walk right. or just sit there and think. you know, sit somewhere where you feel very comfortable, and just think right and just even to sometimes not thinking.

It’s just kind of like, you know, whatever you know, you want to be better. Right? If it’s you know, personal relationship, right? What is it about this this person’s relationship? So for me. It was me and my mom very close. But, my goodness, can she? I mean she has.

She has a the the trigger button. Oh, she feels. I felt for a very long time. She had a finger on it the entire time, right? It didn’t matter that I’d moved out of house. I I was a wife, and I was parenting every single time as soon as the phone call, you know.

Chat, chat, chat, you know. Literally less than a minute I’d start getting annoyed right? I’d start getting annoyed because she was telling me, or you know, how to live my life, whatever whatever moms do right, and I get so annoyed I get so annoyed, shout shout. But Chinese people tend to do that anyway.

Right? It starts kind of ratcheted, you know. Go up. And then suddenly, right, okay, I’m not speaking to you anymore. And I put the phone down. But 2 min later you’re fine again. But then we’d go through it all again. And it wasn’t until you know, recently, when I just sat there, I was like, well.

this is not really working. She isn’t a toxic person. She’s just, you know, I was like. But this is me right. I’m allowing myself. I have full ownership of my emotions and my reactions. Right? So why am I allowing her so? I looked at my relationships like, well, how can I change this?

Because I love my mom? I don’t want to cut out my life right, and she’s got the good intentions. But I was like, what is that about me? So that was that journey to, you know, pick up, you know. Oh, okay, you know, because my mom says that a Chinese girl should be like this and act like this and do this blur.

And the things about money is important about this. And it’s more important, you know, is the happiness more important than money more important? Apparently money is more important than happiness. Right? So I’m sat there, you know I’m like, no. I’m not allowing her to. So I just allowed her to have her say without reacting, because I sat there was like.

I’m an adult like you say I’m an adult just because you are giving me advice, even though it’s unsolicited and not wanted right? You give me advice. Who says I’ve got to take on that advice and make it mine? Right? I I have that space to say, thank you very much for that.

I might consider it. Or I say, Oh, thank you very much. That’s a gift, right? Actually, I don’t like this gift. It’s gonna go back in the cupboard right? I’m not gonna take it out. I’m not gonna wear it, or whatever else, right? And you can say done.

I’m not done, and since then, gosh! It’s been so much easier talking to my mom. I’m just letting her go right. Just let her go.

Doris: Yeah, and we’ve done right.

When Communication Actually Shifts

Doris: But you know what’s really interesting. She’s now changed her communication skills with me. The way that she talks, the way that she behaves towards has also changed because I chose not to interact with her in the way that we’ve been doing for the last nearly 50 years. Because I’m saying, no, this is your view.

And I sit there. It’s like, Oh, yeah, I can see why you say that, mom. I can see, you know. Yes, yeah, it’s no wonder that you feel like that. I’m not there to convince her anymore, or whatever else I’m just like, yeah. But I’m not fighting her anymore.

So she’s like. Okay, we don’t have to fight when we talk right? So she’s changed. And now we can have 45 min conversations without us having, you know either one of us slamming the phone down instead of just 5 min. Right? So that’s progress.

Doris: How’d that feel.

What We Hold On To

Doris: No, no, I say, you know, and and that’s kind of you know the the things, how much we put value on to say something that that’s that. That’s all here, right in our head, right? And it’s totally within our own power to not put as much value on that same thing again right?

But that’s the thing. I think people don’t reassess right? We don’t reevaluate. We don’t sit there and think. Oh, because you know, back when I was 20, right? This was so important to me, and it stays that important 30 years later. It’s still that important, although your life is totally changed.

And actually, it doesn’t matter anymore. Because, like you say, these momentums from ex partners, or whatever else. Well, they’re not going to come back in your life, and neither do you want them back in your life right.

Doris: Why, yeah, well, exactly right. It’s kind of like. So why am I still holding on to it. you know, and then it’s kinda.

Doris: Can imagine, yeah.

Richard: Yeah, I think 45 min. So anything you want to say in closings.

You Always Have a Choice

Doris: No saying that, you know. You know, you always have a choice that that’s that’s that’s really the most important. You know it just just because you’re feeling stuck or feeling down in whatever way there’s always a choice right? And that choice sometimes takes, you know. Just take a step back right or ask for help.

Right, you know, and that’s the thing you know we were taught. I came from a generation asking for help as a weakness. It isn’t right.

Doris: It is. Put your hand up and and and reach out to someone that you trust right and ask them, Nick, this, this is what’s happening. Hi, and sometimes just by talking about it. Actually, it’s not as bad as is what you’ve internalizing.

Reach Out and Choose Carefully

Richard: Yeah, get a I mean, if you’re having trouble, get a therapist, get a coach, pick your therapist carefully. because there are some.

Doris: Pick anyone carefully. There are some bad ones and be prepared to to leave if they’re not helping you. Yes.

Doris: And I think with with any of those you know, those kind of serving helping. You know professions it is, you know. You have to have a rapport with them right if you go in, and you’re not liking them, or you’re not liking the vibe like you say, move because they’re not going to help you, because you’re always going to have that resistance right to get the help that you need.

You need to be open right. And if you don’t feel that you can trust that person, you’re not going to be vulnerable. You’re not going to open up. So it’s then you’re wasting money, really.

Where to Find Doris

Doris: I’m mostly on Linkedin. So look me up on Linkedin, using my name, Doris Walsh, connect with me, and if you’re fancy a chat. Just drop me a DM. Happy to chat always and see how I can help you.

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