Through the Looking Glass
Bucharest, a cam studio, and a job that becomes a way of life
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She was looking for a job and found a way of life instead Standalone · 326 pages · Fictionalized memoir · Adult content BUY FROM INGRAMSPARKAMAZONKOBOREAD A CHAPTERTABLE OF CONTENTS Paperback ISBN 978-1-946458-31-5 · ebook ISBN 978-1-946458-85-8 |
| 326Pages | 14Hours with Zeya | 10Hours with others | 1Pen name retired |
But when they get out of line, I just remember it’s my room and my rules.
from the novel
One of the largest studios in Bucharest, a young Romanian woman working the rooms, and the daily arithmetic of performing for men who are paying by the minute and believe they know her.
This is a fictionalized memoir, built from twenty-four hours of interviews with the woman whose experiences it follows and with others who worked alongside her. It is explicit, and it was not written to arouse. It was written to show a world that mostly exists in shadow, and the specific ways a person keeps hold of themselves inside it.
The opening
Cam Model
“Toy!” Zander typed. “I want you to use a toy.”
Zander frowned as I stared at his image on the cam. His lips were pinched, his face was red, and his brow was furrowed. He reminded me of a petulant little boy whose mother refused to buy him a piece of candy at the store.
“Zander,” I replied, “you know I don’t use toys. I never have and never will. I don’t want a plastic thing inside me.”
“Please,” Zander typed in reply. “Please.”
Zander was getting on my nerves. I glared at him to warn him that he’d better stop.
“I want you to use a toy!”
“Zander,” I warned, “what happened the last time?”
“You banned me for two weeks.”
“Exactly. So, knock it off. You’re annoying me. And you know what happens when I get annoyed.”
Zander glanced down at his hands, his eyes avoiding mine.
“Yes, mistress,” Zander typed. “Please don’t ban me.”
“Then shut the fuck up,” I told him. “I have twenty minutes left before my shift ends, you piece of shit. Don’t say a word. I’m going to do my nails.”
Zander smiled and looked into the cam. His lips relaxed, the frown disappeared, and his color returned to normal. I allowed myself a small smile. I knew what he liked.
“Yes, mistress,” Zander typed. “Thank you, mistress.”
“That’s a good boy,” I replied, pitching my voice so it was full of loathing and venom. Zander smiled, and I could see his shoulders moving. His hand was busy, and I knew what he was doing even though I couldn’t see the details on the cam.
I disliked him…this little man who needed to be scolded and belittled. Not for the first time, I wondered what kind of wife would put up with this poor excuse for a human being. However, compared to some of my members, he was tame as a puppy. And besides, he was paying for my time.
For the next twenty minutes, Zander watched me from thousands of miles away, glued to his computer monitor. His breathing became more rapid as he watched me do my nails, and the movement of his arm became frantic. Just before his time was up, he closed his eyes and his shoulders sagged. He took a deep breath, moaned a few times, and smiled.
“Time is up, Zander,” I said after sanding the last nail to perfection. I held up my hands so he could see all ten fingers. “You like my nails?”
“I like everything about you, mistress,” Zander typed. He was a little out of breath but appeared satisfied.
I smiled at him. In my mind, it was the same kind of smile that a shark gives its prey before going in for the kill. Since I was playing the part of a dominatrix, the evil smile was appropriate.
“Zander!” I said. My voice was sweet as honey. “Be here at the usual time tomorrow. Don’t be late.” I turned off the webcam before he could say anything else.
Zander, one of my most reliable members, had just paid $2.99 a minute to watch me, his mistress, do my nails while he masturbated under the table. His needs were simple, and he didn’t make very many demands on me, although I found him detestable. He never even asked me to take my clothes off, and I never saw him naked. He just wanted me to degrade him for twenty minutes while he pleasured himself, positioned so I could not see what he was doing. I guess it takes all kinds.
I was exhausted. It had been a long day: eight hours of pervs and creeps, the usual nice members, and more than a few trolls. I sat on the edge of the bed, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply, letting the tension flow out of my body. After a couple of minutes, the feeling of stress and tension passed, and I felt my body relax. I took a few more deep breaths and shoved the evil thoughts away.
This room had been my second home for the last nine months. The air conditioning hummed constantly, barely cutting through the heat from the lighting equipment. One wall—the one I was facing—was plain white with no decoration of any kind except for two silver umbrellas that focused their bright lights toward the rest of the room. Lighting was crucial so that the clients could see everything they wanted to see. Strategically placed lamps throughout the room eliminated any shadows and could be moved or dimmed as needed to change the mood.
The main webcam—we call them cams—rested on a tripod standing between the two umbrellas and pointed straight at me while I sat on the edge of the bed. To my right was a floor-to-ceiling mirror, and to my left was some open space to dance. A stripper pole to one side of that open space could be used to enhance certain types of fantasies. The cam could be turned in any direction using a remote control, and another remote allowed me to zoom as far or as close as needed.
On the other side of the stripper pole was a door leading to a shower. Some clients enjoyed watching a naked girl play with herself in the water. A second cam, with another umbrella and light, was pointed in that direction so that everything going on in there could be seen.
Before you get the wrong idea, the restroom is off-limits. That kind of perversion is not allowed. In fact, a girl would be fired if she showed bathroom activities on cam. The studio is very strict about that. Even in the world of camming, there is some sense of privacy and decency.
The chapter keeps going.
Who this is for
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Worth your time if
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Not for you if
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Behind the Book
How this novel came about: a Facebook message, fourteen hours of interviews under a no-lying rule, and a pen name I later retired. Read the full story →
What readers said
Amazon Reviews of the Previous Version. (Under pen name Zeya Marsh) 10 of them, averaging 4.70 out of 5.
Wow! This was such an intriguing read! Dark, sexy, upsetting, and even exhilarating at times. Kudos to the author for extracting a multitude of emotions from me! This is the story of a glamorous, highly desirable cam girl…but wait, what’s a cam girl? She had no idea what she was getting into! And things weren’t so glamorous at first! Zeya was filled with desperation, unable to pay bills, eat regularly, or barely catch a ride to the studio for this modeling job. She didn’t know what to expect, but as it turns out, she was good at it! Not good–great. She knows just how to turn her clients on–maybe a little too much because the next thing she knows, a couple of her clients are in love with her. I was blown away by this book. The writing was great, the story edgy and unforgettable. Looking forward to more from this author! This is easily a 5 star read!
This is not really erotica, although there’s a lot of dirty talk and explicit solo sex. It’s just a first person narrative of one person’s experiences as a cam model. Not literature, and some of the transitions between chapters are rather abrupt, but it’s pretty well written and well edited. An interesting, engaging story that makes you think.
Cam Model Confidential is the story of Zeya Marsh, an unassuming girl who was looking for a job and instead found a way of life. Follow her as she learns the ropes and becomes the most successful cam girl in her studio—at a price. Marsh’s writing is unrivaled. She details what is often considered a seedy profession with honesty and grace. While some of the content is violent or sexual in nature, it is written in such a way that it becomes a natural part of the story as opposed to being edgy for the sake of entertainment. More than anything, though, Cam Model Confidential brings humanity to this sect of sex worker culture. Marsh exposes readers not only to the inner-workings of a cam studio, but to the lives of her fellow cam models as well. This novel is not only entertaining; it is extremely well-written with a solid, fluid plot. Cam Model Confidential is writing that will be in my Kindle library for years to come.
This is a book I was offered for review.. I admit I was curious. I assumed because it was portrayed as the story of a ‘webcam’ girl & highlighted as erotica it could have been seedy, with gratuitous sex scenes. I wasn’t prepared to be moved so emotionally by it. Zeya lives in Romania.. she dreamt of being a Veterinarian & having her own practice, her mother had instilled the importance of education into her. Life in Romania for a young woman wasn’t easy though & she needed the money for her rent, education & to live. By chance she was offered some work in a ‘cam’ studio.. she wasn’t sure she was pretty enough & surely she couldn’t ‘entertain’ men & be paid for it. This follows the story of Zeya & how she went on to become a popular ‘cam’ girl earning 2.99 per minute.. it’s dark, emotional, scary & delves into how her life pans out. Just when she thinks it’s all going well & she is happy things take a sinister turn.. she begins to question whether she is in fact a model or a whore. Her life is in danger & she needs to know who she can trust. This is so much deeper than I expected & actually gives the reader an insight into that world. I was absorbed & read it all in a couple of sittings. Zeya writes in such a way that keeps it interesting & flowing but also makes you think.. we all have choices in the world, it’s how we deal with them that counts.
This book will take you in and give you a behind the scenes look into the life of Cam Models and the men that fall for them. This book will also touch your soul as you witness the struggle that Zeya Marsh has to endure. This is a must read and highly recommended.
I loved everything about this book from start to finish. It is one of the best books I have read in recent years. It is a fascinating story that will surprise and touch you.
Not my genre of reading—I was given a copy of this book in return for an honest review. This story gives a perfect look at how easily it is to go astray in this life. In a world where trying to survive keeps getting harder it was an honest look at a woman’s choices and how she comes to them.
This is an intriguing, intense book. It tells the story of a young woman in Romania, trying to make it on her own while she attends college. Jobs are hard to come by, especially ones that pay a decent salary and are available to women. Zeya, the heroine, keeps seeing ads in the paper for models, and they pay well. She cannot pay her rent, has practically no food to eat, and can’t even put gas in her car. She is very depressed to the point of being borderline suicidal. Her first attempt to get a modeling job ended in a horrible disaster, leaving her worse off than she was in the first place. Still, out of desperation, she tries again, using the last money she has for bus fare. This time she is much more fortunate—the studio where she applies hires her on the spot, and everyone seems very nice. They also advance her enough money to get by until she starts getting paid. She is told she will be a cam model, and asked if she knows what that is. Zeya understands that she will be modeling naked, but not much more than that. She learns there is more to it than just sitting naked in front of a camera. It is a lot like acting, helping to fulfill the customers’ fantasies. There is a lot of very detailed information in the book on what it is like to work inside the cam industry. There is also a lot of focus on the internal struggles Zeya faces while she learns her job. At first she feels guilty, like her family, friends and possible future boyfriends might think of her as a whore. Over the course of time, she finds acceptance for herself, friends and even a family atmosphere among her co-workers, and eventually pride in being good at what she does. Ultimately, she realizes that she is a good and worthy person just as she is, and she doesn’t have to be a victim to what other people think. This is an extremely well written story, both informative and interesting from the standpoint of looking inside the cam industry, and also in the personal growth of the character. It gives you a lot to think about and is definitely a worthwhile read.
A eye-opener! This book makes you rethink things, and peoples way of life. The book was well written, and with plot twists at every turn well worth the read!
That is one of the best books what I read in a long time—is that Romanian mentality all the time.
How this book came about
Richard Lowe, the Writing King
This was my first novel, written across 2016. I conducted fourteen hours of interviews with the woman whose experiences the story follows, and about ten more with others working in the industry, and the book is built on those recordings.
Of everything I have written this was the hardest, because of the subject. Cam modeling sits where technology, sex, economics, and vulnerability all meet, and I felt a real responsibility to get the performers right instead of using them for atmosphere.
It was not written to titillate. It was written to show a world that mostly exists in shadow, populated by people with actual struggles and actual strength. This edition is revised and republished under my own name, after first appearing under the pen name Zeya Marsh.
Questions people ask
Also in Wanting
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The system is not cruelty. It is physics. It works. |
The Blonde With a Violin Tattoo A year of learning what her body actually wanted |
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Two souls, eighty-two thousand years, one connection that will not end |
The Itty Bitty Titty Committee Four women, two years of Thursdays, one Greek restaurant |
My room and my rules
That line is the whole argument of the book.
BUY FROM INGRAMSPARKAMAZONKOBOREAD A CHAPTERTABLE OF CONTENTS
Paperback and ebook.
Orientation
Through the Looking Glass
I had money again! It felt so good to have a few lei in my pocket. The first order of business was to pay the landlady. She looked me up and down suspiciously when I handed her the bills, even holding them up to the light to ensure they were real. She accepted the money, and I had a place to live for another month.
Next, I needed some food. I went to the local market and purchased enough for a couple of days. The young man at the checkout seemed very shy and kept avoiding looking at me. You’d think he’d never seen a woman before.
When I got home with my purchases and walked past the mirror, I understood why I got all those strange looks. Damn. I’d forgotten to change out of the short skirt and low-cut blouse—I guess I looked a little bit too sexy for the locals.
I looked at myself in the mirror again.
I do look good, I thought. I just hope I look good enough for my new job.
The next morning, I took the bus to the studio. This time I dressed in my regular clothes—jeans and a T-shirt—so that I wouldn’t attract so much attention. I packed a few things in a bag, intending to change once I arrived.
I got there a few minutes early, walked up to the front door, and Daciana buzzed me straight inside.
Once I got through the door, Daciana smiled at me. “Alina is expecting you.”
“Alina?”
“Yes, your trainer. She will do your orientation and help you get situated. By the way, donuts and coffee are in the break room if you want some. You know where it is?”
“Sure, I remember seeing it yesterday.”
“Good. I’ll send Alina in when she’s ready for you.”
I walked into the break room, which was down the hall. The hall had several rooms on each side, all with closed doors. Framed posters of women, artistically done, lined the walls in recessed alcoves. Everything was completely spotless. The carpets were immaculate, the paint looked brand new, and even the glass didn’t have any smudges or fingerprints. Someone believed in cleanliness.
I heard some loud moaning as I passed one of the rooms. It was a woman’s voice, deep in the throes of passion. She was calling out “Roger!” over and over, faster and faster.
I smiled and thought, Sounds like she’s having fun.
As I approached the break room, I heard laughter, and upon entering I saw three women sitting at the table. All of them were dressed in loose-fitting robes. They were wearing these rather casually, not seeming to care that their breasts were showing. As if on cue, when I walked in they stopped talking and looked straight at me.
“You must be the new girl,” one of them, a beautiful redhead, said.
“Yes, today is my first day.”
She looked me up and down. “You’ll do fine. By the way, I’m Camelia. This gorgeous lady to my left is Miruna, and the stunning blonde across from me is Annabelle.”
“Zeya. It’s nice to meet you all.”
I glanced back toward the hall. “Someone sure seems to be having a good time.”
Annabelle laughed. “That’s Desdemona. She always has fun with her members. Sometimes you can hear her screaming clear down the block.”
“Hmm,” I said, looking at Annabelle. Her robe was open, showing off a tattoo on her right leg. It was a black and red representation of a zombie woman with a hypodermic needle, with red blood spurting out from the tip of the needle and dripping all over the zombie’s body.
“Nice tattoo,” I said to her.
Annabelle smiled. “Thanks, I’ve got five.”
She let the robe fall to the floor, showing her completely naked body, then turned to display a tattoo of the neck of a violin going down her spine. She had a musical note tattooed on each hip.
“Very beautiful,” I said, looking at the violin, which started just below her shoulder blades and went all the way down to the small of her back.
“I’ve also got a butterfly,” she said, pointing to it, “and flowers.” She turned, still naked, and showed off the flowers tattooed on the left side of her stomach.
“Your tattoos are gorgeous,” I said. I’ve never liked tattoos, but they did look good on her.
Table of contents
Through the Looking Glass
- Cam Model
- Growing Up
- Bad Decision
- Cam Studio
- Orientation
- First Day
- Photo Shoot
- Learning the Ropes
- Meet Dave
- Recorded
- Smoking Room
- Beautiful Girls
- Trainer
- Zaphod
- Guests and Pests
- A Troubled Christmas
- Police Officer
- Dorina
- Ukrainian
- Men in Love
- Rescue
- Mom
- You Will Marry Me
- Life Goes On
- Boyfriend
- Decision
- Forever a Cam Model