Nobody has ever hired me to write a caregiving memoir in the middle of caregiving. They’re in a crisis, and a book is the last thing on their mind. Years afterward, it happens all the time.
A man in his early sixties is typical. He cared for his wife for four years after her early-onset dementia diagnosis, left his job, learned to cook and bathe her, and sat in the car in the driveway some nights because it was the only place he could cry without waking her. She died two years ago. Now he wants to write about it, feels guilty for wanting to, and isn’t sure he remembers enough. (He’s a composite, with the details changed.)
Can a ghostwriter help me write a caregiver memoir?
Yes. A ghostwriter takes on the writing, structuring and revising, and what’s left for you is talking about what happened, in whatever pieces you can manage. The book can include the person you cared for, the years of caregiving, and what it did to you.
Writing it years later is the normal rhythm for these books, and it’s nothing to feel bad about. Distance lets you see the whole arc, including who you became.
What should caregivers save now for a future ghostwritten memoir?
If you’re still caregiving and think you might want a book someday, save the raw material. You don’t have to do anything with it yet:
- ► Texts, emails and social media posts about caregiving.
- ► Journals, notes to doctors, care logs and calendars.
- ► Voice memos recorded in the car, at night or on a walk, whenever a moment stays with you.
- ► Photos, with a few words about each.
Years later, those pieces carry details memory loses: the daily routines, the small victories, the exact words of the doctor who changed everything. A ghostwriter can gather them and find the story running through them.
Is it selfish to hire a ghostwriter to write about caring for someone?
No. Caregiving is one of the most demanding and least visible things a person can do, and telling the truth about it helps everyone who comes after you. Your story is yours as much as theirs, because you’re the one living it every day.
The guilt is common, and it usually comes from the same place as most caregiver guilt: the feeling that any attention to yourself is attention taken from them. A memoir isn’t a betrayal of the person you care for. Written with love and honesty, it can be one of the ways you honor them.
How does a ghostwritten caregiver memoir protect the person’s dignity?
Write about them as a whole person, far beyond a patient. Include who they were before the illness, what they loved, how they made you laugh, and who they still are in the moments that break through. Readers need to know what’s been lost to understand what caregiving costs.
Be thoughtful about the most intimate details, such as bathing, incontinence and moments of confusion or aggression. Those things are real, and a caregiver memoir that hides them all rings false. A little goes a long way, though, and you can describe what those moments did to you without cataloguing every indignity. If the person can still express wishes, ask what they’re comfortable with. If they can’t, ask yourself what they’d have wanted when they could. Your ghostwriter can help you find the line.
Can a ghostwritten caregiver memoir admit the hard feelings?
You should be. The resentment, the exhaustion, the flashes of anger, the grief for someone who’s still alive, and even the wish that it would end are all part of caregiving, and most caregivers feel them and tell no one. Seeing those feelings on the page helps other caregivers feel less alone and less ashamed.
Honesty about the hard feelings doesn’t cancel the love. The strongest caregiver memoirs hold both at once, often in the same paragraph. A ghostwriter can help you say the difficult things with the care they need.
How long after caregiving ends should I start a ghostwritten memoir?
Whenever you’re ready. For most of the people I’ve worked with, that’s been years afterward, once the crisis was over and they could look at the whole experience. Some start sooner, when they’re afraid of forgetting. Neither is wrong.
If you start and find it’s too soon, a good ghostwriter will understand. My article on putting a ghostwriting project on hold covers how.
Who reads ghostwritten caregiver memoirs?
Other caregivers, most of all, and the people who love them: adult children caring for parents, parents of children with disabilities, spouses watching a partner change. They read to feel understood, to learn what’s ahead, and to find permission for feelings they can’t admit anywhere else.
Some caregiver memoirs are written for a wider audience. Others are written for the family, as a record of what happened and a way for grandchildren to know the person being cared for. Either is worth writing, and you can decide as you go.
What should a caregiver do now if a book might come later?
Save things. Texts to family, care logs, calendars, notes to doctors, a few voice memos when a moment stays with you. You don’t need to do anything with them now. When the time comes, years from now or sooner, those pieces will hold details your memory has let go, and a ghostwriter can build the book from them and from your interviews.
When you’re ready, the Book Discovery Intensive is a gentle place to start, and my memoir ghostwriting page explains how I work on life stories. My ghostwriting services describe how a full book is built from saved material and interviews.
