A couple of my memoir clients were abused as children. One of them couldn’t say it out loud. He would start, stop, and tell me he couldn’t do any more that day, and we’d move on to something else. The next session he’d get a little further. It took four interviews before he got the whole story out.
At some point in each of those sessions, I told him what I tell every client carrying something like that: if it’s too hard, we can leave it out of the book. It almost always has the opposite effect. He told me he definitely wanted it in.
Not everyone can get there by talking, even slowly, and they don’t have to. There are other ways to get a story onto the page.
Anyone who walks into a memoir thinking the ghostwriter’s job is to pull the worst day of their life out of them on a schedule has been misled. A ghostwriter who pushes a frightened person to talk faster than they can has decided the deadline matters more than the person, and that person should find somebody else.
How do you tell a ghostwriter something you can’t talk about?
In whatever way you can manage. A ghostwriter needs the substance of the story, and the substance can come to them in many forms besides a face-to-face conversation.
Some people write it down privately first, in a journal, a letter or an email, and send it when they’re ready. Some record it alone, speaking into a phone with nobody listening, and share the recording later.
Some answer written questions from the ghostwriter, one at a time, at their own pace. Some tell it in the third person, as if it happened to someone else, because the distance makes it possible to say. Some start at the edges, with what happened before and after, and move toward the center over several sessions.
A good ghostwriter will offer these options without being asked, and will let you mix them, so the story reaches the page in a way you can live with.
Any ghostwriter who only works one way, face to face and on the clock, is making the client fit the process. Before signing anything, ask how a writer handles material you can’t say out loud, and if you get a shrug, keep looking.
Can I give my ghostwriter my story in writing instead of talking?
Yes, for any part of the book. Written material is completely normal in ghostwriting: journals, letters, emails, old notebooks, pages written for a therapist, notes typed at three in the morning. Ghostwriters work from written sources all the time.
Any ghostwriter who only works one way, face to face and on the clock, is making the client fit the process.
What you write doesn’t need to be polished. Spelling, grammar and order don’t matter. Fragments are fine. Write the way it comes, and let the ghostwriter shape it. If writing it is still too much, write around it: what the room looked like, what season it was, who was there. Those details sometimes open the rest.
I’d take three raw pages written at three in the morning over an hour of careful conversation where the client edits every sentence before it leaves their mouth. The rough version has the truth in it, and shaping it is my job.
What if I can’t tell my ghostwriter what happened at all?
Then you don’t have to. You can tell your ghostwriter only that something happened, without the details, and decide together how the book handles it.
Many memoirs acknowledge a painful event without describing it. The author says, in a sentence or two, that something happened that changed everything, and then writes about the aftermath: how it shaped the years that followed, what it cost, how they survived it. Readers understand. Some of the most powerful passages in memoir are the ones where the author tells us what they won’t tell us, and why.
Your ghostwriter needs to know enough to write the rest of the book truthfully. They don’t need every detail.
Does my ghostwritten memoir have to include the worst thing that happened?
No. You decide what’s in your book. A memoir is a story you choose to tell, and choosing is part of telling it.
Some authors find the book exists to tell the hardest part. Others find their story is complete without it, or that including it would hurt people they love, or that it belongs to someone else as much as to them. All of those are legitimate choices. A good ghostwriter will talk through what leaving it out does to the book, and then respect your decision.
I won’t pressure anyone to include the worst of it. I’ll tell them plainly what the book loses without it, because they deserve to make that choice knowing the cost. After that it’s their book and their call.
Can my ghostwriter leave the worst part out of my memoir?
Yes, and you can change your mind at any point until publication. A section you asked to include can come out. A section you held back can go in. Nothing is published until you’ve approved every page.
If you share something and later regret it, tell your ghostwriter. They’ll remove it from the manuscript and from their notes, and delete that part of the recording if you ask. My article on trusting your ghostwriter with what you tell them covers how off-the-record material should be handled.
Should I see a therapist before working with a memoir ghostwriter?
If your story involves trauma, abuse, violence or grief that still overwhelms you, having a counselor or therapist available while the book is written is a good idea. Telling a hard story in detail can stir things up in ways you don’t expect, and a ghostwriter, however careful, isn’t trained to help you through that.
Ghostwriters who play amateur therapist make me nervous. The interviews can open something up, and when that happens the author needs somebody trained for it. A writer with good intentions is no replacement, and pretending otherwise puts the book ahead of the person living it.
You don’t need to finish therapy before starting a book, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to write your own story. The two can work side by side. Some authors bring pages from the book to their therapist. Some find the book is part of their healing. Some decide, after talking with their therapist, to wait a while. Any of those is fine.
If you’re ever in crisis during the process, stop the book and reach out to a mental health professional or a crisis line in your area. The book can wait.
How do ghostwriters handle stories too painful to tell?
Carefully, slowly and with the author in control. A good ghostwriter watches for the topics you avoid, notices when your voice changes, and never pushes you into something you’re not ready to say. They offer other ways in. They give you breaks and let you set the pace. And they treat whatever you do share with complete discretion.
I care more about who controls the pace than about any interviewing technique. A client who feels pushed gives a thinner, safer version of the story, and both the author and the book pay for that.
They also help you think about the reader. A painful story told carefully can help someone else who’s carrying the same thing and has never seen it named. Many authors find that thought is what finally lets them write it. My article on what happens if you cry during a session covers the emotional side of the interviews in more detail.
My take
Out loud isn’t the only way in. Write it alone, record it by yourself, or answer written questions, and the story still reaches the page. Let the client set the pace, whatever interview technique the writer uses. A client who feels pushed gives a thinner, safer version, and the book pays for it. Keep a therapist close for this kind of material. And if the worst part never goes in the book, that’s your call to make.
What’s one small step toward telling a story you’ve never told?
Tell your ghostwriter that there’s a part you can’t say yet, without saying what it is. That sentence alone changes how the interviews are planned. Then pick a way in that doesn’t require your voice: a private page, a recording made alone, answers to written questions. And have a counselor or therapist available for the days after. If a ghostwriter hears that sentence and starts pushing, end the conversation there, because a writer who can’t wait for you has no business holding what you’re carrying.
If you’re ever in crisis, stop the book and reach out to a mental health professional or a crisis line first. When you’re ready, the Book Discovery Intensive is confidential and unhurried, and my memoir ghostwriting page covers how I work on life stories. My ghostwriting services describe the full project.
Hard stories can reach the page by more than one route. The Ghostwriting Advantage explains how a ghostwriter works with you to get your book written, at a pace you control.
