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Leave Me Alone!

TL;DR: The video of a woman walking for ten hours drew strong comments, and I brought an unusual perspective: I’ve been the abused party in more than one relationship, and I know how ‘I love you’ can become a weapon. This essay is about understanding both the desire to greet the world and the right to be left alone.

Oh my, the comments about the video with the woman walking for ten hours sure have been interesting.

Since I’m sometimes very introverted, I can understand the desire to be left alone. But since I can also be very extroverted, I understand the desire to reach out. There are often days where I’ll great everyone I walk by, for hours, with a hearty hello or a compliment, and there are other days when I won’t say a word to anyone.

The abuse behind the understanding

Something only a few of my closer friends know is I’ve been in some very abusive relationships, as the abused. I still have emotional and mental scars from them. The first was family and was physical abuse, and the second was my late wife who was very verbally abusive.

For many years, I equated the words “I love you” with “I’m going to abuse you.”

It’s taken a long time for me to overcome the trauma of these events in my life. Those who met me shortly after my wife passed away probably remember how introverted and withdrawn I was at the time. This wasn’t just from grief, it was a reaction to no longer being verbally abused every single day. It came from being attacked viciously again and again every single day I was married.

As far as the abuse from the family, well, it’s not something I generally talk about. I’ll say it was both mental and physical and it wasn’t minor.

With the help of my religion and the friends I’ve gained in both the faire and belly dance communities, I’ve overcome, for the most part, the actions of those people. I’m doing well and they’re either passed on or doing very poorly. I think that’s the best revenge of all, that I’m doing well, flourishing and prospering.

Both sides of the video

So when I see that video of the woman walking, I understand the mindset of “leave me the fuck alone” that’s being put forward. I understand the anger toward the unwanted sexual advances. I understand, as one commenter put it, “just wanting to get from A to B in peace.”

But I also understand that we live in a world of people, and it’s necessary to interact with others on all levels. There will be unwanted advances (I don’t welcome, for example, an advance from a married women), strange greetings, rude comments, and so on. People are people.

Frequently Asked Questions

What prompted this essay?
The comments on the video of a woman walking for ten hours through street harassment. I brought a perspective most commenters lacked: I know both the desire to greet the world and the need to be left alone.
How did abuse shape your view?
I’ve been the abused party in more than one relationship, physical abuse from family and verbal abuse in my marriage, and for years I equated the words I love you with what follows them. That history taught me what a threat feels like from inside.
Where do you land on greeting strangers?
Both things are true. There are days I greet everyone I pass and days I say nothing to anyone, and everyone deserves the same choice, free of harassment either way.

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