Picture a kid at a school recital, looking out past the lights for the faces that matter, and finding empty seats. Most writers know that feeling.
Someone in a big creative writing group asked a simple question. How do your relatives feel about your career as a writer?
Dozens of writers answered, and the answers hurt to read. They think I’m wasting my time. It’s just a hobby. Enjoy your project, but get a job. Like I needed an intervention. They think it was a phase I had as a teen. A nut case.
One writer said her mother laughed in her face, then was “so proud” once she had hundreds of five-star reviews. Another told her partner she was going back to writing seriously. He said he didn’t care, as long as he never had to read it or hear about it. He hasn’t, and she’s stopped trying to tell him.
A few had good news. A father bought his son a book by Isaac Asimov for his birthday and wrote a few words inside. Later he told his son it was one of his favorite books. He said it could help with the son’s own writing. The son said it almost reduced him to tears. A retired professor with five books said the family’s only complaint is the long hours at the keyboard.
So play to the rest of the audience.
Why don’t families support writers?
Mostly because they can’t see the job.
A relative who’s a nurse or an electrician goes to work, comes home and gets paid every two weeks. A writer sits alone in a room for a year and comes out with a file. Nobody watches the work happen. Most people don’t read much, so they’ve never thought about how a book gets made. And almost everyone has heard the line that you can’t make money writing. Several writers in the thread said their parents and teachers told them exactly that when they were young.
Some of the fear is real. Most writers don’t make a living at it. One writer in the thread knows a Dragon Award winner who still works a full-time job. Plenty of relatives who say “get a job” are trying to keep you from going broke.
But a lot of it is just indifference. One writer said relatives never give it a thought, and others agreed. Another said relatives like a post announcing a new book now and then. That’s the only contact they have with the writing. Another said only one cousin, someone she’d never talked to, has ever bought one of her books.
And some of it is about what you write. A writer whose relatives show up in the stories, or who writes horror, romance or anything with a sex scene, gets a different reaction from one who writes cozy mysteries. One writer’s sister keeps saying not to write about real life. The writer’s answer is that the sister should have behaved better.
What did my family think of my writing?
My sister is proud of me for making a living at it. The rest of my family doesn’t care.
That’s the mild version. Years ago I wrote a 2,000-page autobiography and mailed it to twelve relatives. My father told every one of them to burn it. He disowned me and stopped talking to me except when he wanted something. I wrote about that in the fear of being judged for your memoir. I’ve published 113+ books since. My family’s opinion didn’t stop any of them, and it didn’t write any of them. The readers who bought them didn’t ask whether my father approved.
Your family is the one audience you didn’t choose. Write for the people who show up. – Richard LoweShare on X
Should writers ask family for feedback on their writing?
No. One writer in the thread made the case bluntly. Family opinions are irrelevant either way, the writer said. If they praise you, you’re getting overconfident on the biased opinion of non-experts. If they criticize you, you’re getting discouraged by people who aren’t your readers.
That’s harsh, and mostly right. A mother who says everything you write is wonderful isn’t giving you feedback. The writer who started the thread admitted as much. A mother’s praise, the writer said, meant nothing deep down. A brother who says it’s boring probably doesn’t read thrillers. One author in the thread said a daughter doesn’t read the books because they aren’t to her taste. That’s fine.
Not everyone in your family is your reader.
For real feedback, go to people who read your genre and have no reason to protect your feelings. Try beta readers, a critique group, an editor, or other writers who’ll tell you chapter seven drags. Plenty of writers in the thread said they found more support among friends and other writers than among family. I’ve covered how to find that kind of support in do you need a writing buddy.
How do you keep writing when your family doesn’t support you?
Stop needing them to.
That sounds cold, and it isn’t meant to be. Some families come around later. Some come around only after a sale. Some never do. If your writing depends on it, your writing is on hold until someone else decides to care. Several writers in the thread had figured that out. One said they’re zero percent supported by family, and nobody has read either of the first two drafts. The writer added that the writing isn’t for them anyway.
Build your own audience instead. Readers who chose your book are worth more than relatives who were obligated to like it. A writing group, a newsletter list, even a handful of readers online will do more for you than a family that changes the subject.
Protect your time without apologizing for it. If your partner resents the hours, set them, keep them and don’t debate them every night. One writer in the thread said a spouse tolerates the time at the computer because it keeps the writer out of the way. That works too. I covered scheduling writing around a full life in time management for writers with a day job.
And don’t confuse their doubt with your ability. Relatives who say you can’t make a living writing are guessing about an industry they know nothing about. Your doubt is a separate problem, and I covered it in imposter syndrome and writers.
Do you have to tell your family you’re writing a book?
No. Plenty of writers in the thread don’t. One works in tech support and writes on the side, and most of the family doesn’t know. Another has a new book coming out next month and hasn’t mentioned it to anyone in the family. One said flatly that the family doesn’t know and isn’t going to.
One writer hadn’t told anyone yet, for fear of being laughed at. Keeping it secret has a cost. You can’t ask for time you haven’t explained, and you’ll end up writing in stolen minutes and feeling guilty about it. If you do tell them, tell them the way you’d tell them about any serious commitment. Say what you’re doing, how much time it takes, and what you need from them. That means quiet and a closed door. Don’t ask for their opinion of the idea. You’re informing them, and their permission isn’t needed.
How do you answer “when will you make money from writing”?
Tell the truth, with numbers if you have them.
One writer in the thread has a partner who cheers the writing on, then keeps asking when the novel will be finished and when it’ll make money. That question stings because it’s fair. Most books don’t earn much, and most writers keep a day job for years. One commenter put it bluntly. Most writers in history needed regular day jobs on the side.
Give them specifics. Say how long the draft will take and what publishing costs. Admit the first book rarely pays the bills. Then show progress they can see, a finished chapter count or a publication date. People who can’t see the work trust a calendar.
Does family support change when a writer succeeds?
Yes, and the turnaround is hard to take.
The mother who laughed was proud once the reviews rolled in. One writer said nobody encouraged him growing up, and they all told him to be a doctor, a lawyer or an accountant. Then he became a Navy combat correspondent and went on to a long advertising career, and suddenly it was “my nephew, the writer.” Another said her relatives think she’s rich because she’s written a few books.
Another said they all want free signed copies.
Take the late support if it comes. You don’t have to pretend it erases the years of “get a job,” and you don’t have to hold it against them forever either. Most families learn to respect a career once they can see the results. They never saw the work.
What if your family shows up in your writing?
Then their opinion carries more weight, and you’ll need more than thick skin.
Memoir and fiction based on real life can cost you relationships, and occasionally a lawsuit. If you’re writing about your family, read what to do when your family doesn’t want you to publish before you hand anyone a manuscript. I learned what twelve relatives and one angry father can do with a book.
The psychology of writing hub has more on the doubt, fear and isolation that come with writing. If you’d like someone in your corner while you write the book, my book coaching does that. Some of the seats in the recital hall will stay empty. Play to the people who came.
